Steast to be Ritually Slaughtered to Address Wi-Fi Speed Complaints
Amid a recent avalanche of complaints about Northeastern’s Wi-Fi speed, Northeastern IT has decided to sacrifice Stetson East Dining Hall to NUWave to increase its…
Tag: Northeastern
Northeastern Announces New “Forced Single” Housing Option
In the face of the current housing shortage at Northeastern that has forced countless students to the faraway lands of Oakland and London, school administrators…
Guy Day Trading Crypto in Class has Lost More Money than You Will Ever Make
Local 3rd year finance major Monet Richman has lost more money on cryptocurrency than you will ever make. After “investing” over $2.7 million of his…
Aoun’s Evil Doppelganger Escapes Containment
Northeastern’s best efforts to keep School President Creature 096 (SPC-096) locked away in the depths of the new box outside of Snell Engineering have failed.…
Northeastern Captures BU President, BU to Become Satellite Campus
BOSTON, United States (Trusty Husky) — In an early morning press conference, our glorious leader Joseph Aoun announced the successful capture of BU President Melissa…
Green Line’s Hunger for Human Flesh “Dangerously Unsatisfied”
The Green Line has built a reputation not only for being slow, noisy, and inefficient, but also for being deadly. Between its many derailments, propensity…
Heartbreaking: Guy Whose Hair Looked Good Got Really Bad Haircut Over Thanksgiving
A number of reports are coming in from a variety of classes that local student Bob Cutter has come back from Thanksgiving break with far…
Student Scribbles Out Poster, Communists in Shambles
Lately, pro-communist posters from the “Revolutionary Communists of America” have been seen around campus pasted to streetlights, trash cans, and on those things that are…
Northeastern Announces OLDwave, Telegraph Service to Begin “Soon”
Northeastern has been forced to take drastic measures following the continuous and unending failure of the Wi-Fi network that is NUwave. Today marks the start…
Op-ed: An Ardent Defense of the Krentzman Quad Loofahs
There’s something wrong on campus this year. Have you noticed it? Perhaps it’s the fear of an incoming economic disaster on a scale unseen since…