A sewer vent near Ell Hall was recently issued a warning by OSCCR for violating Northeastern’s no-smoking policy. Asked for comment, the vent told the Trusty Husky, “This warning is insane! I don’t even smoke, cough that’s just condensation cough I swear. I’m not even addicted, I can stop whenever I cough want.” The vent then proceeded to vent about how it was taking nicotine as a “real medicine” to treat its restless knee syndrome.
OSCCR defended their rare decision to enforce the policy by arguing that the vent was the single biggest contributor to lung cancer on campus this week. “Normally, we turn a blind eye to lung cancer if it’s coming from the gas power plant or the side of Forsyth Hall, but this vent is where we have to draw the line.” Around a dozen vapers were spotted slowly gathering around the vent in solidarity with their brethren, who quickly dispersed as our interview with OSCCR was wrapping up.
As of publication, the sewer vent has promised to OSCCR that they will quit immediately and put their efforts into hat fashion, showing off a new yellow and white top hat. Trusty Husky correspondents soon reported a suspiciously smoke-like plume coming out of the conveniently-placed hole in the top of its hat, which seems to have passed by OSCCR for the meantime.
Clayson Neugebauer contributed reporting for this article.
