In a recent stockholder meeting, LinkedIn CEO Chad McBusiness announced a new feature exclusive for LinkedIn Premium users. In a partnership with the National Security Agency (NSA), Premium users will now get a short video clip straight from the webcam, instead of just profile names, of anyone who views their profile.
According to McBusiness, the vast majority of profile views came from people on the toilet, inebriated in social settings, or shamefully stalking their exes while crying into a half-eaten package of double stuffed Oreos, environments which are not “conducive to professional networking settings, and should be reduced.” This new feature, according to McBusiness, is designed to promote the use of the website in only the most professional climates (ideally, in a three-piece suit in a Manhattan high rise, while pondering how AI can improve sustainable B2B sales force initiatives).
The new feature will also come with a patented “Super Creep Mode ™️,” which, for an additional fee, will allow users to have the video clips recorded for up to 24 hours straight in order to improve personal insights with potential recruiters. This new mode will also come with a promotional offer of Tinder Gold for three months.
Additionally, the constant bombardment of LinkedIn notifications will now be updated to ensure that web cams are not covered by sticky notes or other paraphernalia. New notifications will include subtle threats like “Ope! Better take that sticky note off your web cam! Or you’ll be working at Starbucks for the rest of your life 😂” and “Someone just viewed your profile. Make sure to fold your laundry next time!”
Financial analysts project the company’s profits to go up an astounding 6.7% over the next quarter, while only seeing a small uptick of around 789% in personal privacy lawsuits.
Evan Eyler contributed reporting for this story.
