BOSTON, United States (Trusty Husky) — In an early morning press conference, our glorious leader Joseph Aoun announced the successful capture of BU President Melissa Gilliam. In a midnight raid that brought a shocking and decisive end to the longstanding school rivalry, NUPD’s shadowy elite special operations team known only as the “Snell (S)quad” infiltrated the Boston University campus and captured President Gilliam. According to sources in the NU administration, President Gilliam is expected to be brought before OSCCR for judgement in her alleged crimes of “attempting to resist the Northeastern Empire.”
Aside from capturing the president of BU, the raid was also successful in destroying most of the BU data science building (the one that looks like a pile of Jenga blocks). Utilizing Northeastern’s longstanding ties with Raytheon, Aoun was able to call a missile strike on the data science building, crushing BU’s morale and providing a distraction for the NUPD to sneak in and capture the president. Allegedly, Aoun also believed that the BU Data Science building looked too much like EXP, and felt that it had to be destroyed in order to send a message.
The raid against BU follows years of school rivalry and a recent rise in tensions between the two campuses. These developments represent a reversal of fortunes between the two schools, local alumni John Eastnorthman told the Trusty Husky. “It used to be that Northeastern was just another commuter school, and BU was the fancy one. Now, Northeastern is so much larger and more powerful, while BU is just another satellite campus.”
President Aoun made his intentions clear regarding the future of the BU campus, “Boston University foolishly thought they could call themselves an equal rival to Northeastern. Now look who’s laughing. Boston University will become our new NUin Back Bay location and we will erase all memories of BU forever.” Northeastern has already started to assimilate BU, starting by renaming half of the buildings on the campus after George Snell. Aoun was quick to dismiss allegations that he was annexing the BU campus in order to steal their $3.5 billion endowment, though he did comment that, “some of their endowment might be used to build ISEC 2, but that is purely a coincidence.”
Boston University Vice president Christine Wynne swore to wage a campaign of resistance against Northeastern, saying in a radio broadcast from her bunker in Cambridge that, “We will not rest until the full glory of BU is restored. We may not have an actual quad, or even a real campus, but in the heart of every BU student there burns a somewhat reasonable amount of school pride that Aoun will never be able to extinguish.”
The BU alumni community was overwhelmingly supportive of the new regime change. “I’m so happy the Northeastern’s famous co-op program is finally coming to BU! I wish I had opportunities like that when I was in college!” Local BU alumni Cell Owt told the Trusty Husky.
Reactions at the BU campus itself have been mixed. While some BU students celebrated their new Northeastern overlords, others were more harsh. BU sophomore Bakh Bei told the Trusty Husky, “I understand that Northeastern might be a better school for my career in nearly every possible way, but I think it’s just appalling that they would go so far as to abduct our president whats-her-name, and destroy our beautiful data science building. We used to have rules-based competition between colleges, not crazy midnight raids”
Several other nearby universities including UMass and Wentworth had put out statements condemning the raid into BU, most likely because they too are afraid of the now unleashed might of the Northeastern Empire. In a joint statement, the colleges emphasized the importance of peaceful resolution and negotiation in inter-university affairs, and reaffirmed their commitment to upholding the rule of law and respecting university sovereignty.
At press time, Northeastern officials began posting cryptic memes online suggesting that Boston College would suffer a similar fate to BU, resulting in Boston College being placed on high alert.
Efrain Ortiz contributed reporting for this article.
