Santa Claus’ sleigh was confirmed to have crashed Wednesday night in the Venezuelan state of Carabobo. Paramedics dispatched from the nearby city of Valencia pronounced Claus dead at the scene.
Claus was on his annual mission of delivering toys to all the good children of the world when an air-to-air missile struck his sleigh at approximately 23:48 AST as he entered Venezuelan airspace.
While the cause of the crash was initially unclear, the United States Department of War later claimed responsibility for the strike. “President Trump ordered Venezuelan airspace closed, so we shot the sleigh down. We were following orders,” said Secretary of War Pete Hegseth. “Not only did we follow orders, we made up some of our own in the process”.
In a late-night press conference, joined by advisors Mr. Stephen Miller and Mr. Grinch, the President declared that, “Those children in Venezuela, they’re bad hombres. Every single Venezuelan is on the naughty list. There is absolutely no reason Santa Claus should even be near Venezuela, unless he’s collaborating with them to destroy our country. Those children probably asked for drugs and guns and stuff.”
The President declined to comment further when asked what Santa left him for Christmas.
Venezuelan authorities confirmed that several of Claus’ flying reindeer perished in the crash as well. When asked which ones are confirmed to have died, they responded, “For now we can only confirm the tragic deaths of Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen.” At press time Comet and Cupid and Donder and Blitzen remained in a critical state. The fate of the ninth reindeer, Rudolph, remains unknown.
Back stateside, many remain unfazed by Claus’ death. “We also know if you’re naughty or nice,” said Alex Karp, CEO of Palantir Technologies. “We’re not in the business of delivering presents, but we know. Ho ho ho!”
Claus is survived by his wife Mrs. Claus and their elves who make toys at the North Pole. The Trump administration has alleged that the remaining arctic residents are collaborating with Venezuelan drug smugglers. Plans from a leaked Signal group chat indicate future plans to raid the arctic facility.
Matei Eliezer contributed reporting for this article.
