The Green Line has built a reputation not only for being slow, noisy, and inefficient, but also for being deadly. Between its many derailments, propensity for catching fire at random, and tendency to crash into stationary trains, the Green Line has earned itself a reputation for bloodlust. What is less well known is that the train itself is actually fueled by the souls of those it kills. Ever since Phil Eng struck a literal deal with the devil in November 2024 to get rid of the slow zones, a steady supply of human sacrifices has been needed in order to keep the trains running on time.
Unfortunately, as safety upgrades proliferate and deaths plummet, the Green Line’s vast appetite for human flesh has grown to become “dangerously unsatisfied,” leaving many riders and transit experts alike concerned with the future of the service. “The MBTA has never seen a threat of this magnitude before” local train expert Rale Carr told The Trusty Husky. “If we don’t sacrifice at least four virgins to the train by next week, we can expect some serious disruptions to service at the very least, and a portal to hell opening up at Park Street at the very worst.”
In an effort to prevent a disaster of hellish proportions, the MBTA has started to seek volunteers for human sacrifice. “We know nobody wants to be ritualistically slaughtered on the Green Line, but we’re going to need somebody, er, multiple somebodies, to take one for the team.” MBTA Human Resources manager Gne Lihp told the Trusty Husky.
At press time, grateful MBTA officials were seen cheering as a local villain sporting a top hat and twirly mustache had tied several damsels in distress to the train tracks near the MFA.
Efrain Ortiz contributed reporting for this article.
Image credit: May Ferry
