LIVE UPDATE: NUPD FORCED INTO RETREAT BY SEVERE LIZARD, NATIONAL GUARD TO TAKE OVER OPERATIONS.
BREAKING: A Severe Lizard has already injured 5 Northeastern students and eaten all of the vegetables in Curry Student Center, with more updates coming in. Early reports suggest that the Severe Lizard escaped from the Mugar Health Sciences building following a power outage shorting their security systems. The Lizard is aggressive and has been seen around Krentzman quadrangle, Massachusetts Avenue, and Stetson East. Classes, residence halls, and dining halls have been shut down in order to prevent students and staff from being caught in the lizard’s path.
Unfortunately, many students misread the headline and assumed it was published in error, particularly given the warmer weather. As such, multiple students have suffered injuries from the Severe Lizard including broken bones, concussions, and emotional trauma. Despite bringing their expensive parkas with them, “just in case it does actually snow,” these students were woefully unprepared for the massive reptile.
The University has not yet released a statement regarding the status of these victims, but has deployed the NUPD Special Task Force in an attempt to restrain the Severe Lizard. Our inside sources indicate that President Aoun has also requested support from the Boston PD, Cambridge PD, and the US National Guard. Any updates regarding the Lizard’s location, behavior, or damages can be reported to NUPD or the City of Boston.
