Amid a recent avalanche of complaints about Northeastern’s Wi-Fi speed, Northeastern IT has decided to sacrifice Stetson East Dining Hall to NUWave to increase its speed. Over the last few months, NUWave has been steadily decreasing in speed, indicating its strength is faltering, and its ability to retain its corporeal form in our dimension is at risk. The ritual itself will be carried out February 29th at exactly 13pm in the morning and will be led by the head priest of the IT Department. University IT staff have been working overtime over the past week as they gather blood vials, draw arcane sigils, and chant ominously in the staff break room.
But why does our Wi-Fi service require the sacrifice of a beloved dining hall? Tek Guy, a member of the IT department, told the Trusty Husky that they don’t know why Steast needs to be sacrificed, they simply know it must be sacrificed. “We don’t really know what NUWave is, I just know the last guy did some sort of ritual to summon it. I remember him chanting some incomprehensible ancient language over and over again. He went missing pretty soon after that. I don’t know what happened to him. Now that I think about it, I don’t really remember how I got here. Wait…” Guy then proceeded to have a nervous breakdown, screaming about Cthulhu and the return of the Old Ones.
After recovering from his mental break, Guy told our interviewer that, “It’s important we carefully regulate the size of the sacrifice, as we want to placate NUWave, not empower it. You see, the more food is present the more dangerous it will become. As such, we identified Steast as the best sacrifice due to its size and convenient location. According to our divinations, Steast should be just large enough to stave off its hunger but not so large that NUWave will be able to ascend into its final form.” When prompted further, Guy just stared blankly at us and spoke in an incomprehensible language older than time while foaming at the mouth. Following this, he attacked our field reporter and stole his IP Address.
Unperturbed, our brave reporter attempted to secure an interview with the head priest of the Northeastern IT Department but was unable to because he hadn’t put in an “IT Service Request.” Shortly after, our reporter began raving about the end times and has since refused to leave their room.
Frankly we were quite disturbed by the loss of a rather excellent reporter (Frank, we all hope you regain your sanity soon). For the safety of our team we have decided not to look into this topic further. In any case, it seems that the sacrifice was a success, and NUWave appears to be in proper working order across campus. Happy scrolling Huskies!
Ethan McMinn contributed reporting for this article.
