Northeastern’s best efforts to keep School President Creature 096 (SPC-096) locked away in the depths of the new box outside of Snell Engineering have failed. SPC-096 is an evil doppelganger of our beloved president Joseph Aoun, identical in nearly every way except for the fact that it is in fact a 7-foot tall evil doppelganger whose diet consists mostly of human flesh and overcooked IV chicken.
Allegedly, local freshman Beeg Yappher inadvertently triggered SPC-096’s breach after casually saying, “man, I wish cost of attendance was a little bit cheaper” while passing by the box. SPC-096 then proceeded to smash through the walls of the box, raise the cost of the dining plan by another $200, and then run at inhuman speed towards ISEC while screaming about the importance of AI.
Since its breach last week, school officials and the Boston Police Department have been helpless in their attempts to catch SPC-096. Fortunately for the continued survival of Northeastern as an institution, SPC-096 only enters a murderous rage when it makes continued eye contact with someone for more than five seconds. Thanks to Northeastern students’ heroic efforts to keep their eyes glued to their phones while walking, SPC-096 has only murdered three students so far, two of which were business majors who thought they could network with the president.
Reportedly, SPC-096 has taken residence up in the tunnels, and emerges only at night to hunt for food. Many students have grown to accept the evil doppelganger as just a part of campus life. “He’s kinda my favorite campus celebrity,” local freshman Graham Rheel told the Trusty Husky. “He’s a unique campus fixture, and his shenanigans are quite frankly great for spreading name recognition of our campus.”
At press time, a student petition to have Aoun’s evil doppelganger participate in Beanpot had amassed over 5,000 signatures.
Efrain Ortiz contributed reporting for this article.
