The MBTA announced this Friday that the Orange Line will be replaced with shuttle buses between North Station and Forest Hills every weekend until 2095. “It isn’t inconvenient enough to get to Back Bay yet,” General Manager Phillip Eng told the Trusty Husky. “It’s too easy to just hop on a train to the city center. We want our riders to cram together and get thrown onto the floor when our bus drivers tailgate cars.”
The move comes alongside a new initiative to decrease Commuter Rail service on weekends, because, according to Eng, two hour headways were, “simply too close together.” He continued, emphasizing that it was of utmost importance that getting anywhere from Ruggles should be “as difficult as possible” for everyone. When asked about over-ambitious psychopaths considering using the Green Line, he responded “we want all our riders to use whatever option is least convenient for them. We’ll just close [the E line] under North Station again.”
Riders had mixed feelings on the new announcement, including IV resident Gait Jumper, “Free buses take the fun out of it for me. What’s the appeal of taking public transport if I can’t shove behind someone to get through the fare gate and deny our public services $2.40 in the process?” To get his fill of misdemeanor battery, Jumper has resorted to shoving past people trying to get off the buses before it’s his turn to board.
The temporary service change comes as MBTA officials realize that buying metro trains from China wasn’t such a good idea. As Washington continues its economic war on Chinese manufacturers, financial analysts have realized that these are likely to be the last trains the T is getting until 2070, and have decided to try to save their value until then. Further plans include a full shutdown of the Orange Line trains by 2027, with the shuttle buses to be replaced entirely with horse carriages.
