Northeastern Announces Dining Hall Security Reforms to Stop Utensil Thefts
Due to a worsening campus-wide spoon shortage, starting Monday dining halls will be equipped with metal detectors and exit bouncers who will do a full…
Tag: Satire
MBTA to Deploy Mythical Three-Headed Dog Cerberus to Eat Fare Evaders
Recent financial constraints on the MBTA have forced drastic measures to ensure that the transportation organization operates with minimal financial losses. In a startling but…
Want a Job in the Military Industrial Complex? Moralists HATE This ONE Simple Trick!
The recent post-grad job market has been rather difficult for many, pushing many engineering students to work at the place they all secretly knew they…
Khoury Students Fight to the Death Over Last Remaining CS Co-op
As the computer science market continues to remain extremely competitive, Khoury students have been pushed to new extremes to secure their co-ops. In a dramatic…
Duo Security Releases Plan to Add Five Additional Layers of Verification
Online security is more important than ever, and Northeastern heroically protects our noble students through online authentication apps like Duo Security. Fortunately, Duo Security has…
Op-ed: We Need to Triple Aoun’s Salary
It’s recently come to my attention that our glorious president, Joseph Aoun (blessed be his name) has fallen all the way down to the 27th…
LinkedIn to Introduce New Webcam Surveillance Feature
In a recent stockholder meeting, LinkedIn CEO Chad McBusiness announced a new feature exclusive for LinkedIn Premium users. In a partnership with the National Security…
Orange Line to Close Every Weekend Until 2095
The MBTA announced this Friday that the Orange Line will be replaced with shuttle buses between North Station and Forest Hills every weekend until 2095.…
Class of ’26 Senior Events Catalogue Accidentally Features Activities Meant for Nursing Home
In a complete mix-up, the events catalogue intended for the Northeastern graduating class of '26 was accidentally replaced by a catalogue intended for a nursing…
Wollaston’s Heroically Raises Prices to Save Shoppers From Themselves
In a bold act of humanitarianism, local luxury grocery emporium Wollaston’s Market has announced it will be raising its prices "dramatically and unapologetically" in an…