In a recent press release, the Prince of Darkness proclaimed,”In all of my time witnessing the scope of potential malevolent acts, nothing has mystified me more than riding an electric scooter on the sidewalk. I mean…..the bike lane is literally right there, and like…. what the hell’s wrong with walking?”
According to El Diablo, sinners sent to this new circle will be forced to walk around a meandering and unintuitive hellscape of a city for the rest of eternity. The planned circle of hell features decent public transit that breaks down all the time, which took Boston as creative inspiration. While walking, spirits of the damned will fly by randomly, scaring the crap out of the poor sinners without any warning. Reportedly, these spirits will also ride scooters which will bash into any and all ankles, further adding to the misery.
In response, various Northeastern student athlete organizations have reportedly begun to repent for their sins and dedicated themselves to the service of humanity. According to second string junior varsity curler Brian O’Brien, “I used to ride my electric scooter all over campus. After a hard day of Curling practice, my wrists would be so sore that I was physically unable to walk, ya know? But then one of my buddies showed me this thing on Twitter about this circle-of-hell-rigamarole, and I decided to turn my life completely around.”
Ever since hearing about the new circle from fellow second string Junior Varsity Curler Riley O’Reilly, O’Brien has reportedly adopted a photosynthetic diet, to avoid harming any of nature’s beautiful creations, begun volunteering at a non-profit combination pet rescue and soup kitchen, and made it his life’s mission to find a cure for stage 4 pediatric esophageal cancer.
When asked to comment on O’Brien’s chances at making it into the Pearly Gates, a member of Satan’s staff remarked, “Eh, I’d say 50-50. Bri-Bri has got to pay for the sheer amount of human suffering that he has caused with his scooter.”
Evan Eyler contributed reporting for this story.
