Wollaston’s Heroically Raises Prices to Save Shoppers From Themselves
In a bold act of humanitarianism, local luxury grocery emporium Wollaston’s Market has announced it will be raising its prices "dramatically and unapologetically" in an…
Student Inadvertently Completes Marathon While Searching for Open Outlet at Snell Library
In an impressive athletic achievement, average joe Joseph Median walked an entire 26.2 miles while searching for a space with an outlet in Snell Library…
Op-ed: Snell Library Needs More of Those Weird Squiggly Benches
Yeah, that’s right, I’m talking about those weird squiggly benches that don’t have any desks on them. Some might criticize those benches as “something that…
Northeastern Rated 253rd out of 257 Schools for Free Speech
Recently it has come to our attention that Northeastern has been rated 253rd out of 257 schools in the US for free speech, receiving an…
Satan to Institute New 10th Circle of Hell for People Who Ride Electric Scooters on the Sidewalk
In a recent press release, the Prince of Darkness proclaimed,"In all of my time witnessing the scope of potential malevolent acts, nothing has mystified me…
Op-ed: President Aoun’s Monk-like Existence Should Inspire Us All
Given how busy everyday life can be for us college students, it can be easy to forget the importance of the simple pleasures of life.…
Northeastern to Partner with McDonalds, Announces McCo-ops
In the face of more difficult employment prospects and increasingly competitive co-ops, Northeastern University has announced a most ingenious remedy to the situation. Many students…
Snell Basement Connected to Snell Basement
Thanks to a series of ambitious and absurdly expensive renovations now being called “The Even Bigger Dig,” Snell basement has been successfully connected to Snell…
Northeastern to Institute Winner-Take-All Battle to Death as Part of Admissions Process
In recent years, Northeastern has seen a remarkable growth in the number of applicants. As a result, our former commuter school has neither the infrastructure…
Sun Never Sets on Northeastern Empire
It’s a well known fact that Northeastern University expands to a new location every day, establishing satellite campuses faster than the real life British Empire…