It’s recently come to my attention that our glorious president, Joseph Aoun (blessed be his name) has fallen all the way down to the 27th highest paid university president in the country, making a paltry $1.8 million in pay and benefits. This is an absolute travesty and should be a deep source of shame for every Northeastern student. There is no other use of money that could possibly yield better returns than tripling Aoun’s salary.
Even more embarrassingly, Robert Brown, the president of our archrival BU, makes $2.3 million. We cannot allow our greatest rivals to out-pay us. Here’s the issue. While simply doubling Aoun’s salary would allow us to defeat BU where it matters most, it would still not be enough to make him the highest compensated president in America. This title is important, especially considering that the president of Northwestern University is the second highest paid president in the US. However, if we were to triple our God Emperor/President Aoun’s salary, he would finally be the #1 highest paid, overtaking Northwestern and Columbia’s presidents, proving to the world that the age of Northwestern is over, and that the era of Northeastern has begun. So join me, my fellow peers, and generously donate to Northeastern so that we may make this dream a reality.
