In recent years, Northeastern has seen a remarkable growth in the number of applicants. As a result, our former commuter school has neither the infrastructure nor the space to house and educate such a large number of students, and has resorted to drastic measures.
With the recent addition of our secret “Campus 51” in the deserts of Nevada, Northeastern plans on trimming down the number of potentially admitted students in the most “fair, equitable, and primal way” imaginable.
In a recent interview, school financial aid counselor Robin U. Blind remarked “As the Harvard of Massachusetts, our application numbers have blown up quicker than a suspicious package at Holmes Hall. Fortunately, our new process should stabilize the population… I mean the admitted students’ numbers… better than anything else we’ve ever concocted.”
The new plan will send students admitted through the NUin program to compete in a Fortnite-like King of the Hill deathmatch for 3 months, where any who survive will be given the ultimate prize: a forced quad in International Village.
As Blind put it, “these days, job hunting, particularly for co-ops, can be very cutthroat and we can only afford to take on students who can… well… cut throats. We believe that these cold-blooded psychopaths will stop at nothing as they continue on their paths towards professional success. And, of course, bring eternal glory to Northeastern through GLORIOUS BLOODSPORT”. Blind was unable to comment further after breaking the table over her head and sprinting out of our office screaming bloody murder.
Evan Eyler contributed reporting for this story.
