Due to a worsening campus-wide spoon shortage, starting Monday dining halls will be equipped with metal detectors and exit bouncers who will do a full body cavity search of every student leaving the dining halls. These measures are intended to curb the rampant smuggling of utensils, bananas, and Steast cookies from the dining halls. These new policies will help to ensure there is a mile-long line to both enter and exit dining halls, maximizing the amount of time students spend waiting in lines and considering how overcrowded this campus is.
University president and supreme leader Joseph Aoun weighed in on the smuggling issue. “You guys seriously need to calm down and give us back our utensils, the $90k does not include this. If even one more student stuffs a fistful of Nutella packets into their pockets as they leave Steast, we’re going to have to declare bankruptcy.”
NUPD and Reslife launched a massive crackdown on Tuesday, masterkeying into rooms and seizing over 1,300 utensils. Allegedly, the mastermind behind this utensil smuggling ring, “just needed a spoon to eat yogurt from Outtakes.” The seized items included over 50 pounds of stale oyster crackers, and dozens of coffee cups filled with Steast cookies.
In order to rebuild the university’s dwindling supply of cutlery, the university has confirmed a new “Utensil Fee” for those interested in cutlery access for the 2026-27 academic year. Those who opt out of the fee will eat with their hands and have a daily limit of 2 napkins per meal swipe.
Miles Mu contributed reporting for this story.
Image credit: May Ferry
