Recent financial constraints on the MBTA have forced drastic measures to ensure that the transportation organization operates with minimal financial losses. In a startling but honestly long overdue move, the MBTA will deploy the mythical three-headed dog Cerberus to stop fare evaders at the back door entrance to Green Line trains.
Bureaucrats in the ancient mythology department of the MBTA have proposed a solution that they promise will ensure there is “hell to pay” for anyone who attempts to evade fares. Thanks to a complex ritual involving a squeaky toy and 150 pounds of dog kibble, the department was able to summon the great Cerberus, the legendary three-headed dog known for guarding the mythical Greek entrance to Hades.
According to the MBTA’s Director of Unusually-sized Monstrosities Jackie Percival, the mythical beast is the most affordable and practical solution to the fare-evasion crisis. “Listen, Cerberus only eats you if you don’t pay your fare. As I see it, this new creature will solve the fare-evasion problem swiftly and permanently by cutting down the number of fare evaders. And chewing them up.”
For now, the MBTA plans to station its imposing pupper along the E line, training it to maul anyone not seen scanning their credit card on the scan stations before entering in the back entrance of train cars. However, it plans to create additional Cerberuses by breeding it with “Princess” a Pitbull who allegedly doesn’t bite, but is also a prime suspect in several missing persons cases.
The MBTA believes that its burgeoning army of mythical beasts will finally bring an end to fare evasion so it can finally achieve its ultimate goal: adding a “Golden Line” that connects Cambridge, MA to Cambridge, UK.
Anonymous sources close to the Trusty Husky have confirmed that back door entries at the Northeastern stop still remain unguarded, but Cerberus is “totally coming soon and he’s absolutely gonna check your fare.”
Evan Eyler contributed reporting for this article.
