In an effort to make contraceptives even more accessible to the student body, the Office of Prevention and Education at Northeastern (OPEN) has made the decision to move the wellness vending machine from its isolated location in Marino to the center of Ruggles station. This brilliant move promises to ensure as many people as possible will be able to watch you get contraception. This wellness vending machine distributes condoms, plan b, and many other products for students’ sexual health. However, many students continuously complained about its location in Marino as a problem which made them not use it. OPEN, addressing these concerns, released the following statement:
“…this move will help the student body at Northeastern to be safer and smarter. By being literally right there in Ruggles station, it’s easily findable and accessible to anyone living on campus. We at OPEN also believe that everyone has a part to contribute when it comes to de-stigmatizing sexual health, so we’ve placed it here to assure students feel assured and supported by everyone walking mere feet away from them!”
Students are enthused by this idea. One student, who wished to remain anonymous, said that “Having everyone see you get condoms in Marino was awful [sic, intended great]! Why would [sic, intended wouldn’t] they do that? This new location somehow made it worse [sic, intended better]!” Clearly, students are on board with this move as the vending machine was far too tucked away and contributed to the stigma around sex. Our interviewer noted how quickly the interviewee left, probably because they wanted to go try it out themselves in its new and improved location.
Another student, Ghett Kraken, who emphatically did not wish to remain anonymous, proudly told our reporter, “Honestly, not enough people were staring at me awkwardly as I filled my backpack with condoms. This new location will optimize the awkwardness for myself and others, and I’m completely here for it.”
In order to commemorate the move, Northeastern has temporarily stocked the vending machine with limited edition “Lusty Husky” branded condoms to encourage students to visit the new location. At press time, OPEN also took the opportunity to praise Northeastern students for consistently and overwhelmingly choosing the most effective type of contraception: abstinence.
Tessa Walter contributed reporting for this story.
