It’s a classic experience that all Northeastern students inevitably have; going to Snell library with the intention of studying, only to find that the library is entirely full. Well, not entirely full. To be clear, “full” means that there is at least one person seated at each table, and let’s be real, you aren’t socially capable enough to squeak out a “Do you mind if I sit here?” to the guy with headphones sitting alone at a table for four who clearly does not care either way. After all, what if you accidentally wind up interacting with someone new? Now that would be truly terrifying, an experience I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy.
So instead, you end up walking in circles up and down the four floors of Snell, looking for an empty seat, only to realize ten minutes later that there are at least five other people wandering around Snell doing the exact same thing. Some might argue that this whole experience would be easily resolved through a simple social interaction, but such social capabilities would require effort and most likely years of training or something. Instead, it is much easier to simply embrace the antisocial lifestyle.
There are a few easy, simple steps we can take to minimize these problems of “social interaction” and “basic human connection.” Firstly, if we all just agree to continue walking across campus, eyes firmly glued to phones, we can help prevent any sort of friendly wave, glance, or casual hello. Walking into poles, people, the Green Line, and incoming traffic is just a small price that we will have to pay in exchange for crippling social isolation. I mean, after all, it is well known that being forced to smile and politely wave at the person who sits next to you in your 8am class as you pass them on your way to Ruggles is basically a form of advanced mental torture.
Another easy step we can take is the adoption of an undying refusal to interact with our peers or professor in class. Asking questions in class is a slippery slope that could lead to knowledge, the professor actually recognizing your face, or even a desire to go to office hours. Introducing yourself to the person you will sit next to for the next several months might just result in you making an acquaintance, or even worse, a friend. Each of these outcomes on their own is enough to leave permanent mental scars on even the most stoic individual, but a combination of these could very well prove to be fatal. By avoiding these interactions, we can help to ensure a college experience that is lonelier, more isolating, and generally free from the joys of human interaction that have been experienced since time immemorial.
These behaviors are just a few examples of ways you can make your life more antisocial and less meaningful. Denying myself the happiness that comes with knowing others is just a simple pleasure of mine, and one that I hope you also adopt. By deliberately avoiding each other, we can avoid those most dangerous of temptations; friendship, happiness, and connection.