In a bold act of humanitarianism, local luxury grocery emporium Wollaston’s Market has announced it will be raising its prices “dramatically and unapologetically” in an effort to protect its customers from the crushing burden of affordability. “Frankly, we’ve been too accessible for too long,” said Director of Mindful Capitalism Wolly Wollaston. “We were horrified to learn that some of our patrons were still able to afford three items without applying for a second mortgage. That’s not what we stand for.”
Wolly’s, as it’s affectionately referred to, is a favorite spot on campus for all students. Sixth-year Northeastern exchange student Rue Feed reflects on her experiences in the establishment fondly: “There’s nothing quite like grabbing a sandwich and a Coke as a pick-me-up after a night out with friends. I only had to dip into my trust fund a little for that, which was shocking. Last time I was here, I nearly went into debt. Or at least that’s what I think – I couldn’t really see the pin pad.” When asked what low-income shoppers should do, the store’s Holistic Pricing Alchemist offered a compassionate solution: “They should simply grow their own food. It’s easy. I built my rooftop garden entirely out of recycled arugula dreams and trust-fund mulch.” The price adjustments are extensive and include some notable highlights:
- Almond milk: Up from $9.99 to $24.50 per half cup
- Kraft mac & cheese: Price now set by NFT auction
- Air (from the bakery section): Now available at $3 per inhale
Customers, predictably, were thrilled. Porsche Shopper, a seventh-year puppetry major at Northeastern, had been protesting affordability for months before the price changes. Now, she’s found more fulfilling work: panhandling to pay off the high-interest loan she took for her groceries last night. “I’m asking my advisor right now whether begging on the street counts as a co-op, since I’ve found this whole experience so rewarding. I hope Northeastern follows suit and makes tuition more expensive, too!” Wollaston’s comments that work-adjacent opportunities similar to Porsche’s will be added to NUworks starting Spring 2026.
“While the price increases are a great step forward, we have miles to go before we can truly call ourselves unaffordable,” says Rich Twerpington, the Senior Ethics Consultant at Wollaston’s. He says future practices to rob students could include innovative ideas such as a ‘just browsing’ surcharge, and an eighty-dollar plastic-free grocery bag that quietly judges you as you walk. At press time, delusional students were seen trying to convince themselves that $10 for a sandwich is actually totally reasonable.
Lina Lawande contributed reporting for this story.
